The Milestones that Matter

I've been stewing over what I'm going to post for my 10,oooth tweet. As I was showering tonight (don't you always have the best "a-ha!" moments there?), I realized that I was overdramatizing this "milestone" just a bit.

I've spent the better part of 10 years with this man. In 10 years with him, I have come 10,000 miles. Before we met, I was lost. I did not know who I was, or who I wanted to be. He has been my best friend, my biggest cheerleader, my soulmate...the father of my two most precious accomplishments.

For almost two years, I have been his mom.

Four 1/2 years ago, the realization of him made us a family.

For almost 2 years, I have witnessed this brotherhood and friendship blossom and grow. It's buds are still small, but they will one day be a beautiful, even if imperfect, flower.

As much as I love Twitter & the online community, there's nothing that compares to the milestones I've accomplished in this tangible, beautiful life.

I Dreamt of Her

I miss her.

Last night I had a dream about her. She had the best smile.

She loved us. She didn't want to leave us.

My children will never know her. I can't believe they won't ever know her.

I can tell them about her. How fun she was. How she loved McDonald's and shopping and ice cream and having us over. How much she loved us. How she was the matriarch of our little family, and how good she was at it.

I wish she could have lived forever. Sometimes I still can't believe she's actually gone.

I'm glad she visits me in my dreams...I only wish it was real.

I Want to Manage More Than a Couple Posts a Month, Really.

Oh, it has been quite a few weeks. All I can say is "Whew," take a deep breath, and go to bed. It's been tiring. Soooo, so tiring. The tired has been worth it though...lots of good things have happened and it makes me really look forward to our future. It has been a long road. These past couple of years have been full of challenges, but I think we're at a point where we can relax and look forward to what's ahead. I can't wait. I'm not sure how quickly any changes will occur, but I'm pleased to think about it. I see Jack Stack in our future...and Groucho Marx.

These glasses have been passed down a generation. My family played with them often when I was a kid. See? Nostalgia is in my blood.

Here are a few pictures from the past couple of weeks. My whole family has finally recovered from a coughy, hacky, runny-nosey something that "wasn't the flu", when Noel was tested for it. We've all still got residual coughs, but the fever and listlessness is finally gone. I'm grateful, because although it means they are much more active, both boys can go to their 2 mornings of parents day out, and we can actually get some things done around the house.

The wee sick children.

The Terror also Known as Lennon.
You figure this one out.

Yesterday, I passed an accreditation exam for my job. This will allow me to be able to work from home very, very soon. This has been something I've wanted since going in to this profession...and it is going to happen. I still can't believe it. :D

This pumpkin did not even place at my work contest. Clearly, the judges were lame.

I'm well aware that this post is totally random. My brain hurts. Please forgive.

Oh, Mama.

When you're sick, there's nothing better than having your mom around. My kids feel the same way. Do women instinctively understand how to care for a sick child in ways that men don't? Not that my husband isn't an awesome caretaker, but he's more hesitant to go get in bed with the sick kids, probably for fear of catching whatever illness they have or getting puked on...who knows? Everyone just seems to defer to me when they are ill. Perhaps it's my characteristically Cancer nurturing that they all, my husband included, sense.

I've noticed during this October illness month, my kids only want me when they don't feel good. I'm the one who has to force the medicine, take the temperatures, hold their heads over the toilet, and make them shower to clean up said "toilet incident". You'd think they'd run for the hills when they see me coming. Instead, Noel, my 3 1/2 year old, independent little boy wanted me to carry him around Target today, willingly held my hand, and says, "Stay," when he senses, from a dead sleep, that I'm about to get out of bed. When Lennon is sick, he will sit still for hours with me just holding him. I can't pass him off, or he's inconsolable.

I sort of like taking care of everyone when they're sick, to tell you the truth. The boys aren't always willing to sit still and be held, have their backs rubbed, have their heads kissed incessantly. When they are sick, I seem to understand how small and vulnerable they are...and I'm going to hold on to that memory, even when they're back to their old selves, running away from me, squirming out of a hug, and just being kids. They do need me, even if they don't always show it.

Noel Does His Best Larry David

Thanks to Elliott, Noel loves to say "Prett-ay, prett-ay, prett-ay good."

It's the Great Pumpkin (Patch), Charlie Brown

Because I'm still in love with you

I want to see you dance again

Because I'm still in love with you

On this harvest moon...

I 100% stole the Neil Young song lyrics idea from Stephanie. Because of her, I've had this song in my head for days...but it's beautiful, and is a favorite, especially during this time of year.

20 months later...

My baby turned 20 months old today. He is a toddler. He knows what he wants. He's got attitude. He's got sass. He is also snuggly and sweet and funny. He loves to pick his nose.

Something hit me today, and it's taken me a long, long time to realize it. I had a lot of expectations that were never met when I had Lennon. I think my biggest was thinking that Noel would have an insta-friend & insta-playmate. No dice. I thought, if it didn't happen immediately, it would happen in time. It has happened, to an extent, but my children are at ages where they both need more parental attention and guidance. Three 1/2 and 1 1/2 are tricky ages. One is becoming a child, and less needy, but is also testing boundaries & becoming independent...which means he doesn't always want a playmate. He especially doesn't want a playmate that is taking what he wants, or has what he thinks he wants right then. Lennon is growing out of babyhood and into toddler-hood. He wants what he wants, when he wants it. Although he might look like a Precious Moments doll, he is 100% ornery, and knows exactly how to push Noel's buttons.

When they play together, it usually breaks down into "That's MINE!" pretty quickly, unless they're playing together with one of us. This is where I admit my epic failure. I have pushed this brotherhood and friendship, basically so I could rest on my laurels and hang out in the background and watch my children get along like Dick & Jane, sitting quietly next to each other, playing and laughing. It doesn't work that way, at least not at this time.

Today, I played with both of them. I left the iPhone and the computer aside, and hung out with them, together. Guess what? They got along beautifully, and I saw myself for the first time in way too long, not frowning or feeling full of anxiety. I could beat myself up about this, because, well, I've let this go on...It's affected me, my husband, and most importantly, it's affected my children...but I'm going to swallow this realization like a spoon full of sugar, and move upward from here. I saw today that my two precious boys are not going to constantly fight and bicker. They didn't today...and it was because I helped them along throughout the day. I guided them. I parented them. I acted like the mom I knew I was capable of being.

And it looks like I learned something too.